Life and Death

[Trip]

Hey forum, first time poster here. Prepare for a wall of text.

I've had suicidal tendencies in the past. I've never actually attempted it for one reason or another. Now, I'm not your typical suicide-victim-to-be. I just don't accept that the life I have here is all there is. If it is, then the ability to think and reason as a human does is a cruel thing. Best case scenario, no matter what sort of life you may have led, is that you die. I see two possibilities concerning what happens after a person's body dies.

1. You cease to exist. Which means that nothing I do in the next 60 years or so (I'm 19, going on 20) really matters. Even if you spend your whole life studying and contribute worthwhile knowledge to human race, ensuring that you'll be remembered long after your death, time will eventually wipe us all out. Anyone who has seen the Doctor Who episode "Utopia" will know what I mean. If that's the case, I'd rather end my futile existence now. My loved ones may be hurt, perhaps irreversibly, but that too will be temporary. If that is the case, then what is the point of life in the first place? Who made us? What did they make us for? I personally don't think that a meager 80 or so years on a rock floating in a dark abyss is all there is, but it is a possibility.

2. There is an afterlife. You aren't bound by earthly restrictions and worries any longer, which means you can do as you wish. Maybe you can chose to send your soul back to earth to learn, grow, repent for past misdeeds, who knows. If there is an afterlife, I can't imagine that a person would be sent to a fiery torment for all eternity. Eternity is a damn long time to be subjected to constant torture because a person shoplifted and wasn't sorry about it.

Considering that I believe number 2 is the more likely case, guilt is the only thing stopping me from going to the nearest high rise (wouldn't be difficult, I live near Chicago) and jumping. Like many others, I had a tough childhood, mainly due to an unstable family. We still communicate, but I don't have any heartfelt connection to them anymore. When I was 12, I met a wonderful family that may as well have adopted me. They didn't officially, there wasn't any reason to, but they are my family now and I love them all very much. Each of them is much better than I am; why should I get a head start on eternal peace?

There are plenty of things I would miss. The long, in depth conversations between me and my closest friend, spending an entire day playing Dungeons and Dragons, going on road trips, spending holidays with the people I love, and so much more. On the other hand, ending my life wouldn't end any of that (probably); it would simply postpone it. It would, however, stop my worries about money, security, the pursuit of happiness, smiting evil, the heart of the cards, etc... I'm not seeing any downside other the heartache I would cause those close to me. I worry that they wouldn't forgive me for leaving them, I worry that I wouldn't forgive myself.

Oh well, I'm rambling. Nice to meet you all.

[ericb45696]

hi Trip.

glad you posted.

man. those are some fucking deep questions. and I think ones that humans have probably asked since there have been humans that could think that far ahead.

I dont really believe in religion the way its forced at us, and I wont speculate on whether there is a god or not.

so like the rest of us that dont have any kind of fantasy faith crap to latch on to. I really dont know or pretend to know whats going to happen to me when I die.

but there are some things I do know after 42 years on this planet.

hospitals, treatment centers, and mental institutions can only do so much and rarely treat the person VS whatever the so called " disease" may be.

and the other thing I stand to hold as true is.... things change.
sometimes overnight, and sometimes over years and years.

but if I had been successful the first time I tried to kill myself 26 years ago I obviously wouldn't be here. and who knows, maybe I'd be in a better place? maybe I would just be dead. and thats it.

but after all the crap I have been through and all the pain and hurt and screaming and crying and just plain wishing it was over.... I'm actually pretty glad I am still around to watch this fucked up world continue to fuck itself up.

the lithium seems to be helping for the first time in my life, and maybe thats led to other things changing that seem to have made life a tad livable. who knows.

anyway. I ramble. sorry.

glad you found us. sorry if we dont respond too often. but we are here. and we care. one way or another.

[ericb45696]

oh, almost forgot... yeah.. guilt is a bitch.